8 new magic tricks

8 new magic tricks
1. The slow marshal : Shouts "I want a big piece of crab from the audience" and then shoots himself, magically not getting any blood on the audience
2. The lippy baboon : His assistant is forced into a cage and shouted at. She magically gets the audience to kill the magician who then, rather than letting her out, stand around the cage and make loud sex noises.
3. Coddled dopey : Card trick. The desperate magician takes the cards and eats them. Then keeps everyone a prisoner for a day and shits out the card that the audience member picked.
4. The snarl : The magician employs a gang of surly midgets to stare at the audience.
5. Freedom from Alaska : He takes off in a plane and then lands stating "the gift of flight!"
6. Snip snip snip : The magician runs up and down shouting anti Japanese profanities with the letter "s" added to the beginning without getting killed
7. Soiled but yes : A lady magician shows the audience her breasts and then proceeds to have sex with her male assistant. The audience return 9 months later to witness "the miracle of birth".
8. Themsup : Magicians from all over the country gather in a small field and just stand there. Everyone loves it. Magically.