Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Monday, November 12, 2012
Allow Me to Shake My Cane at You
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
My Review of The Venture Bros. Embroidered Patches Set Number 2
Continue blanketing your life in obscure, visual references to geek culture by purchasing and immediately applying this second set of official, embroidered Venture Bros. Patches. Dipping even further into the show's universe of affiliations and organizations, this set offers you four new flavor...
Smaller than one would hope
Pros: Durable, Fun, Entertaining
Cons: TOO SMALL
Best Uses: Skinny Girl's Jacket, Rockabilly Hat Frontpiece
Describe Yourself: Eccentric Iconoclast
Was this a gift?: No
They're great patches, with good designs, but they are only about 75% of the size they should be. If one is familiar with common military and corporate patches, these will disappoint with their meager size.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
8 facts about cats and their habits
1. Every day grand master cat comes down his old oak stairs with a pot of gravy in one hand and a copy of the bible in the other. He likes to see which is heaviest.
2. Cats are notorious for their affinity with drugs. They like to use needles because it makes them look thinner and more catlike.
3. Hop into a waste paper market with your cat and notice the pronounced shuddering effect.
4. Cats are well known masters of bad puns. "Meow, meow meow". Hah ha ha! That’s such a SHOCKINGLY bad pun.
5. Pursued in the mist by panthers? Dress only in orange! Panthers can't see orange!
6. Wild cats are different from house cats. Talk about them in your sleep and wild cats explode out of there boxes.
7. Indie rock band Slow Fluttering Jesus once used a cat in their stage act but found it ultimately impractical. "It just gets all stringy the more you bounce and warp it". "And the bloody creosote stinks too".
8. Cats drink milk.
9. I'm bored with this. It's just a lot of nonsense that doesn't mean anything.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
8 facts about the evil of sexism
1. Sexism is caused by men’s desire to have cute pony tails and sing with high voices.
2. Only men can be sexist. Women just can't because of their genetic code and stuff.
3. One form of sexism is when a man says to a woman that what she is doing is "really cool". In "man language" (which women can learn to speak if they try. See more about this later) this means "I want to fuck all of your holes until they are raw, you worthless animal".
4. Sexism is funded by a large multinational conglomerate. If you want to pursue sexism as a hobby or a lifestyle choice then they will happily give you a grant to help your efforts. Their slogan is: "Men are cool. Yeah!"
5. The least well known act of sexism is the snort. Snort at anything and you are being "technically sexist" i.e. you may not actually hate women or see women as being any less entitled to basic human rights than men but snorting is just sexist and that's that.
6. Questioning definitions of sexism is, in itself, sexist. Because, of course, women define the meaning of the term "sexism" and if you disagree with a woman you are clearly sexist
7. Wearing a dress does not make you a woman.
8. The most sexist joke in the world: Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 4. One to screw it in, one to write a hundred page dissertation about how the bulb is violating the socket, one to secretly wish to be the bulb and one to secretly wish to be the socket. Second most sexist joke in the world: Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: THATS NOT FUNNY.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
8 ways to halt the evil of sexism
1. a:Cut off your penis. b:Take a photo of your excised member. c:Rent a large number of billboards. d:Place the photo on your billboards with the caption "NAUGHTY".(Note: this only works if you are a man).
2. Float past peoples windows with a big speaker device screaming "PATRIARCHISM IS BAD. YOU MUST RESIST THE TIDE OF GENDER FACISM. STOP IT NOW. DO WHAT WE TELL YOU."
3. Learn about your manly needs and why they are disgusting. Then accept that your manly needs are unnecessary and must be repressed. And remember: you DO have manly needs whether you think so or not.
4. Do not watch films that might effect your views in such a way that you start to have "unacceptable" ideas. Particularly things that might lead you to question feminist ideas. This is the road to being a rapist.
5. Support mandatory sterilization for rapists. Also design a cool French revolution style guillotine to perform the deed.
6. If you are an architect it is your responsibility to make sure that you don't impose an ugly phallus on the landscape. All buildings should be breast shaped and it is your duty to make sure that no more imposingly sexual buildings are built. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem.
7. Live in a fantasy world where nothing bad ever happens.
8. Don't finger your genitalia in public. It's like you're raping a woman’s thoughts and forcing her to imagine you rubbing baby oil over your long hard manly penis. Forcing that sort of thought on women is rape.
Monday, February 22, 2010
8 reasons to completely coat yourself in a thick layer of plastic
1. Brrrrr! It's cold outside! Must have insulation.
2. Makes you look sexee!
3. Not being able to breath makes you beautiful.
4. Somebody who writes words in a magazine that features attractive people wearing clothes that they're trying to sell you says that it's "cool and completely in line with this years look".
5. Ants cannot invade your various orifices.
6. You can dunk yourself in water without getting wet.
7. Being confined might give you a sexual thrill.
8. If you don't have skin you need something to keep the elements out and keep the blood and stuff in!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
8 facts about paper folding
1. "Folding" paper is when you take a piece of paper and sort of push it around so that it gets flatter.
2. Make a folded paper dream out of brand new love plants.
3. There must be a way to fold paper so that it changes color and texture too.
4. 18 tons a day. That's how much paper is inserted into the anus's of pigs for a funny joke before being lit.
5. You can make so many things by folding paper! Try making history!
6. If you get to the pearly gates...tell them I sent you.
7. In here? On the right? That's where you keep your supply of paper? But...it's too hot, the paper will wilt and dry away to nothing!
8. Wet paper can be folded and molded too!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
8 translations of "manspeak"
1. "Hey, that's a nice dress you're wearing" : "That dress looks flimsy enough for me to tear it off and rub myself against your naked slut body".
2. "I don't like clams" : "Our relationship is over bitch".
3. "I was talking to X at work today..." (where X=female associate) : "X is a really horny slut and I want to have her more and more every time I stare at her breasts".
4. "Uh huh": "I'm not listening to you because you bore the hell out of me".
5. "I drove here today" : "i have a big lump on my back that I want you to taste".
6. "DO you have to look at John that way?" : "I want to film you doing foul and deviant things with John and show the tapes to all my friends".
7. Anything at all : something about sex probably. That’s what men are like isn't it? They just think with their fat cocks all the time.
8. "I think our relationship is over" : "Look I can do a handstand!".
Monday, February 15, 2010
8 reasons why you should email me
1. Sending email makes your genitals larger or smaller depending on what you want.
2. Pie tastes better after you've talked to me.
3. I am very nice.
4. You should give your sig file a workout. It will rot if you don't.
5. Typing is also good exercise.
6. Sitting is good or your stomach.
7. Because I am sad and lonely and like to get email.
8. If I don't get anybody telling me how great I am I might start doing other things.
Friday, February 12, 2010
8 great new names for adult education shows
3. The application of quadratic equations in chemistry in the 18th century because we know all about that. We still live with our parents but we know everything about that. Sob.
4. Arts for ignoramuses
5. Can't read? Then you're a fucker!
6. Pay attention you ignorant freak
7. Transvestitsm: well, are you?
8. Talk about your problem hair
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
8 great new names for kids non-animation shows
1. You're young. You're stupid.
2. Animal slaughter
3. 2+2=something you don't know
4. Cool it up
5. Dawson's girlfriend's gash
6. Art assault.
8. Filler 2: "because your not worth programming for"
Thursday, February 04, 2010
8 great new names for Kids Animation shows
1. Buy this stuff please
2. Buy this stuff now please
3. Buy this stuff now
4. Go on. Give us your cash
5. We know you're easily manipulated. Ha. Ha. Ha.
6. Wow these toys look cool!
7. It may be plastic but it won't break!
8. Battle of the toy manufacturers
Monday, February 01, 2010
8 facts about sleeping on the floor
1. You get rats in your hair. They gnaw at your head. Good job it's only made of wood!
2. Sometimes you will be mistaken for carpet. To avoid this try very hard not to look exactly like a carpet. And try to to waft your carpety scent over people either.
3. The rats are a recurring theme in many peoples carpet dreams.
4. Hard floors are better for you. They make you look sexy.
5. Token gestures of defiance, such as raised fists and aligning your bags with the rising sun, will not be tolerated.
6. The word to use when trying to sleep is "moose". It sounds good and encourages delusions of softer, fleecier things.
7. If you sleep face down with your mouth open you may learn more than you had anticipated about the things your friends spill. Like pizza.
8. Mostly flummoxed? Then try carrying a soft rabbit with you to use as a pillow. Attach it the floor with glue (which is a more practical solution than nailing) and you have a fluffy bed.
8 great new names for Sit Coms
1. Fuck, where did you come from?
2. Father John Paul II
3. "Chalk" my arse. Okay I will!
4. I'm living with a gay man. I must be funny!
5. Living in sin
6. Sabrina: the teenage watch
7. Talking balls? Why yes they are!
8. Baddiel and Skinner's "Wank in a Football Tits"
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
8 great new names for Sci Fi dramas
1. Space device x2001
2. Star Star
3. Far trek
4. Boob trek
5. Trek trek trekity trek
6. Archard van Splutens
7. Midnight vulture
8. Mars doesn't give a shit about us
Saturday, January 23, 2010
8 great new names for news shows
1. News nuttery
2. Weekly wank
3. Daily dose
4. Idiotic illiteration
5. Here's Kirsty!
6. The day.
8. The nude news. With Kirsty!
Friday, January 22, 2010
8 great new names for factual shows
1. Embarrassing diseases are cool
2. Toasted genitalia
3. History splash!
4. Tony's "the history of hair loss"
5. History fetish
6. Art: The dawn of shit
7. Art: The dawn of dawn
8. Shit Review
Monday, January 18, 2010
8 great new names for sports shows
4. Football love
5. Sports quiz! With desperation!
6. What a load of Rugby
7. Shouting people
8. Horse shooting
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
8 great new names for TV drama
1. Murder squad..again!
2. Sex and murder squad
3. Blue sex squad
4. Love under the tanker
5. I'm Ray, I eat babies
6. The thing about murder
7. Murder me, I'm a wanker
8. Just crime
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
8 great new names for soap operas
1. The Dulls
2. Suicide lane
3. Lesbian exploitation extravaganza
4. We're rich. Your poor. Ha ha ha!
5. Gritty shitty
6. We're cheap Australians!
7. Tedious bullshit Street
Monday, January 11, 2010
8 great new names for game shows
1. Piercings. Mmm!
2. The millennium wheel of fortune
3. Ready steady fat
4. Lestor Piggot's Blankety blank!
5. Bruces "the sexy game"
6. Les Dennis's "The Ironic talent show"
7. Bruces "Fuck me now and I'll make you a star"
8. Pointless exercise in ego massage with Jim Davidson
Saturday, January 09, 2010
8 facts about the geese that invade Poland
1. They come every year around noon.
2. They march. Not quack.
3. If you hold a goose up to the light it's feathery majesty will be exposed to you.
4. They are intent on the land.
5. No one even suspects their true motivation. Slithering.
6. while in poland the geese make use of the surrounding facilities. If you know what I "mean".
7. They are special geese. So special that they can walk on 2 legs like humans!
8. they may be smart but they're not so smart that they figure everything out.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
8 facts about running a brothel
1. You have to keep a large supply of pigs. Never run out.
2. Your girls should have breasts. Two each is preferable.
3. The dandelions on your back will never grow if you don't stop rubbing them with fly corpses.
4. Make sure you know who strips bark.
5. Tie a load of tripe to a tree. It will ensure your prosperous continuation by exuding pheromones.
6. The best Police officers have shinny truncheons. They only bat the furniture though!
7. Taken aside by you. Then taken on down.
8. Make people do what you want by employing a large force of security guards but make sure that no one notices by keeping them in a big pot in the kitchen.
Friday, January 01, 2010
8 facts about massage
1. If you touch someone for money you are evil.
2. Slap. Pop. Crack. This is the essence of massage.
3. Never confuse your friends with your hands. You might try and rub someone with a companion!
4. The stringy backed type enjoys paste more than unction.
5. The smoother the surface, the less resistance to your spite.
6. Calmly do it. Calmly...THEN STRIKE!
7. Pubic massage is a whole separate issue.
8. In Rome they scrape. Here, you should wash
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
8 facts about waddling
1. Ducks do because they know you are watching. Your sight turns there waist to jelly.
2. Fatness makes a man waddle.
3. It's just such a hip new look! Like cheese strings or something!
4. Wear baggier trousers, Frank!
5. You generate more energy if you waddle. Just tie your head to the generator
6. Forward speed reduced. Lateral enjoyment maximized!
7. Intoxicated people who also waddle tend to smack their heads against walls.
8. Never waddle in court. Judges will think you are a duck (see #1).
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
8 abstract sexual practices
1. Dropping leaves on park benches.
2. Whistling on the bus.
3. Riding a bike to work.
4. Listening to the sound of salt pots clacking on tables in McDonalds.
5. Throwing coits.
6. Writing notes to your boss about the supply of paperclips.
7. Sitting in a car waiting for the traffic lights to change.
Friday, December 18, 2009
8 relatively unusual deviant sexual practices
1. Going into toilets and disguising your mouth as a toilet bowl so that strangers shit in it.
2. Supergluing your nipples to the back of a bus.
3. Playing nude hopscotch in school playgrounds.
4. Secretly coating your body in brylcream and cling film under your clothes before going badger baiting.
5. Making "love" to shop store dummies in the middle of Debenhams.
6. Having your genitals pierced and linked to your dogs genital piercings.
7. Inserting beetles into the anus of your sleeping flatmates.
8. Taking your girlfriends soiled underpants and paying a prostitute to smell them.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
8 DOs and DON'Ts about collecting sweat
1. DO take off your hat. The sweat might well kill germs but it also fries your scalp.
2. DO ensure collection of underarm deposits for scientific usage.
3. DO carry home your friends in a bag. They are so embarrassed.
4. DO show your friends your collection.
5. DON'T hog the vials. You'll get your turn.
6. DON'T leave the sweat out in the sun. Why? Because...sweat sweats too!
7. DON'T read too much into your results. They may be slanted by growths.
8. DON'T press your lips against the soothing machine. Corrupted!
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
8 cool new drugs
1. Swipe : Turns your eyes bright orange and makes it easier for you to find a Taxi.
2. Grainy : Causes your body to erupt in a series of bright tattoos made up of euphemisms for masturbation.
3. Nautilus : Lets you grow a shell and swim in molten cheese.
4. Body slop : Makes all carnivals look like a parade of meat wagons.
5. Flimsey : Has no effect. Just sounds cool.
6. Mouse chaser : Causes you do die immediately from anal cancer.
7. Flak : Makes everything taste like cough syrup but smell like grass in the summer.
8. Moisture : Hallucinogen. Makes you think you're "wicked".
Thursday, December 03, 2009
8 great clothing items
1. Skimp : Sort of hat that you wear without any other clothes. Like a bikini but disguises your ugly face.
2. Fully : Wrist device that conveys your belief in "the now of wrists".
3. Messadage : An amazing cross between camping equipment and clothes! A pair of trousers...with a stove!
4. Wampum : All the fun of the fair in a towel that you wear all day!
5. Coalhouse : Flirty tops are out! Wear this lump of plastic!
6. Stylio : It's Spanish! It's made out of the corpses of bulls! "Stylio" indeed.
7. Carnarf : Talk to your friends and they will all tell you about how they "know people who talk with god". Here’s how!
8. Felchering : A sort of special funnel you attach to a gusset. Comes in male and female versions.