Friday, January 12, 2018

Building a better future

There's a phrase you'll hear bandied about by Baby Boomers and Generation X'ers (mostly, because Milennials have basically been denied any effective spending on any of their problems) that goes, "Throwing money at a problem..." and is often applied pejoratively in an accusation of mismanaged spending of some sort, usually leveled by conservatives at any sort of liberal program that helps people without punishing them for needing the help.

This phrase is also occasionally applied in a plainly descriptive manner, such as when overly proud Baby Boomers use it to describe how President Kennedy beat those damned Russians at the 'Space Race' of the time by spending a stupendous, colossal amount of money on scientific development at NASA. Make no mistake, the subjective problem of not being first in space WAS solved by nothing other than Throwing Money At The Problem in an historically unprecedented way.

In The Reagan Era, this phrase gained its unpopular implication as right wing nitwits applied it to demonstrably necessary federal discretionary spending like Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security, while it was studiously avoided in any conversation abut the cost of The War On Drugs, the inflation and establishment of The Prison Industrial Complex and several other incredibly expensive and ultimately deleterious and unnecessary conservative programs that kept Undesirables ( That's what Right-Wingers call their Deplorables ) in their place.

In the media maelstrom of today it is going to undoubtedly be applied to the concept that I am about to opine about in this piece.

Developing 'Shithole' Nations. 

Just look at this fucking picture that alleges to be from Haiti. I have not properly researched this image enough to know if it actually IS Haiti, but I am taking the article that I stole it from at its word:

The alleged 'shithole' that is Haiti
So, yeah, pretty fucked up looking. Sure. Definitely in need of an 'Urban Revitalization', so to speak.

Now, one of the modern problems wailed and bemoaned by people too unimaginative to envision a world where everyone is not a wage-slave to capitalism is the fearsome specter of Automation. ~ Robots taking workers jobs ~ I hear this foolishness from both sides of the political spectrum from Coal-loving, blue-collar Trump voters on the Right, to labor organizing, 'means-of-production' coveting Socialists on the Left. And in both cases there is a fundamental failure to recognize the objective truth that heavy and light production automation is in fact a long-overdue birthright of Industrialization and the evolution of human technology.

In fact we should be even further along in the process of automating all production on Earth than we are! 

ALL demanding, repetitive, physical labor should be performed by machines throughout he entire world. Everywhere. Even, and in fact, in the interest of human equality, ESPECIALLY where millions upon millions of unskilled laborers, capable of performing demanding, repetitive, physical labor, are cheaply and easily available. Such as in the developing world.

This idea causes Baby Boomer and Generation X economists to sputter and froth and wax vitriolic about how production automation on this scale would negatively impact, all sorts of socio-economic factors as unprecedented unemployment, brought on by disappearing job opportunities ( for uneducated, un-creative people, i.e - 80% of humanity ) cause desperation, panic and other calamities to spread like wildfire across the polities of planet Earth.

Yes, the capitalist Oligarchs who own everything would certainly face a dauntingly high percentage-chance of violent, desperate, French-style peasant revolution and the dissolution of their privileged way of life, to be sure. Pitchforks and guillotines loom darkly in their nightmare scenarios.

Unless the entire world economy WASN'T running on Capitalism! But rather a fully intentional automated, resource-leveling, global distribution and production system that was designed in regard to mankind in its entirety as opposed to a single nation's citizens or a single corporation's profits.

People not firmly entrenched in 19th and 20th century economic thinking can actually imagine sharing the planet's resources equally with fellow humans from 'shithole' nations equally, affording the same priority to a request for resources and productions sourcing in Sri Lanka or Ecuador as one originating in Norway or America. And THAT transformational way of thinking is key to the actual subject matter I intend to propose in this opinion piece about why and perhaps a little bit of how we should and can fix the world's 'shithole' nations.


Robots can fabricate materials, supplies and parts in dauntingly rapid time-frames. Sometimes faster than they could possibly be deployed to human assembly or construction workers to create new products.
And assembly robots, can often assemble simple structures, more accurately, ( within granularly fine degrees or error tolerance from an engineering standpoint ) and more rapidly, than even a team of skilled and experienced human assemblers could ever hope to.
And we have a number of technologies now that allow us to grind up the garbage we have accumulated over the decades of the industrialized era, such as landfill waste, plastic garbage, demolition scrap and so on, and re-purpose the material resources into building materials. See:

And Finally:

And this conversion from garbage to building material is done in big, automated machines in most cases, requiring little human labor at all if loading robots are employed to the task. We even have 3D Printing robots on a massive scale that can print houses out of concretized mixtures of recycled materials and a binding agent. See: ( Keep scrolling down to see the good ones! )

Of course, the 20th century saw god-awfully designed concrete block housing designs in Soviet eastern Europe that are no famously hideous dystopian models of how not to make a living space out of concrete.

Soviet dystopian architecture we all know and hate
So clearly we are going to need the creativity and vision of non-traditional thinkers to avoid that pitfall. BUT today's CAD engineering software, and our incredible advanced in materials modelling and simulation allow us to work with an entirely new pallet of shapes and design aesthetics that were impossible for the limited engineering of the 20th century. Concrete homes need no longer be hideous abominations at all.

It's obvious where I am going now. Nothing less than the concept of literally grinding up the 'shithole' past into tiny bits and on the clean slate left behind by its removal, constructing a blisteringly modern, decentralized-infrastructure, forward-looking, ecologically-sound new world where rugged, wastelands of poverty, human suffering and widespread misery once reigned. 

But not merely in terms of housing and mercantile and business structures. Also in terms of the ground-up implementation of modern advances in telecommunication, in terms of deliberate wireless mesh networks. But also in terms of energy generation, storage and distribution, with Wind and Solar collection integration directly into the structures intentionally at the design stage. Distributed tidal generation energy via electric-vehicle delivered storage batteries from the coast to residential homes and inland businesses, where the electricity for the delivery trucks is provided by the tidal generators at point of origin. These simple visions are childishly obvious.

Short sighted observers might argue against a wholesale redevelopment of the third world, arguing that they contribute so little to the overall advancement of human knowledge and achievement, and so they don't matter enough to deserve this international largess. A common sentiment among the hard right in America. If I have to explain to you how that's the moral equivalent of badmouthing the amputee war veteran because he can't make a 30-yard football pass, there's no point in including you in the conversation.

Others may argue that we need to introduce these reforms right here at home as America is increasingly classified as further and further down the socio-cultural spectrum by successive international organizations for the deplorable state of infrastructure, education, economics, modern resource availability and so on in of most of the flyover country between the two coasts. To which a person with a global, human perspective can only answer, "Yeah , No." America has not even begun to understand real deprivation and human suffering and widespread lack and poverty like the developing world has known since the era of colonial imperialism. We can fucking wait our turn.

So billions and billions are spent each year on international aid and assistance by national governments and private charity NGOs. Often for great causes like wiping out river blindness or malaria. Or for rebuilding a nation after America unnecessarily bombs the living shit out of its cities for barely any reason at all. Hooray for all that necessary cash spent.

By and large though, a socio-cultural overhaul of a 'shithole' nation's society in the form of eradicating shanty-towns full of filthy, dangerous living conditions and disease incubating vectors combined with the establishment of national-scale education and medical facilities, and the basic advantages of the First World in a matter of months, via the magic of automated production, would be an equally worthy if not superior use of those billions of aid dollars.

Thoughts on the Problems:

Rampant political and economic corruption in the leadership and government or the societies of these 'shithole' countries. Them's the facts in many developing world nations. Warlords. Tribal Militias. Organized cartels Drug Lords warring over distribution rights and routes. Jungles or Forests full of Raiders and Bandits left over from civil wars and historical collapses of previous governments. Nationalist ideologues in command of police or emergency services or even the army of a sovereign nation. Religious fundamentalist jihadists with stockpiles of CIA-provided heavy assault weapons left over from the Cold War.
All sorts of bad shit lingers in places like Guatemala , Haiti, Honduras, the Democratic Republic of Congo. Tribal ethnic cleansing. Religious purges of unpopular faiths in the region. You name it.
If you rebuild their villages into idyllic towns and cities of modern amenities and conveniences, those with the guns would just ride in, in shitty, 80's-era open bed military trucks waving cheap, shitty AK-47s and machetes and shove out all the innocent people so they could kidnap and turn all the teenage girls into prostitutes under their control, buy cheap, shitty booze, and sit around in stained fatigues pretending to be legitimate soldiers. Maybe occasionally using the educational facilities to provide a limited education to the sons ( only ) of the captains an warlords so that they could be able to count high enough to manage the numbers of the logistical requirements of their would-be army. Yeah. For sure they are gonna do that if you let them.

So the answer is to do nothing for them? To just throw up your hands and discount what is probably fully one half of Earth's humanity?
That's the full possibility of the scope of the vision for Earth's future that you can imagine?!

Thoughts on the Solutions:

I can imagine a single Earth government that has as its jurisdiction every square inch of the planet.

A government that would see a Donald Trump in charge of millions and millions of people and step in to remove him.

A government that would see several competing Congolese warlords at endless war with each other over every scrap of resource their would-be abundant country can possibly produce and would calmly nerve-gas the bases of those armies without delay.

A government that would regard the massive drug cartels of Central and South America, see the widespread suffering and destruction that they cause, and eradicate them even at a cost of 70% of the population of those countries if that was what it takes for the remaining citizens to get in line and act civilized.

"Oh, the Globalist, New-World-Order, Illuminati tyranny of it all!" Some will say.

"What unacceptable costs for a future of peace and civility and civic and cultural advancement for the entire human race equally, without regard to have's and have-nots privileged and established today by the wars and international maneuverings of the 19th and 20th centuries!" They won't be smart enough to say.

The time for the 'America First' mentality is long, LONG past.

The luxury of being concerned if half of the human race has to be wiped away for a sane, cooperative, egalitarian, abundant, peaceful, free and just civilization for all Earth's people is past.

Now, we are left with the hard realization that powerful, privileged leaders cannot be tolerated or allowed.
Neither to rule, nor to be allowed to rise to power.
No 'Deep States'.
No 'Shadow Governments'.
No deals in back rooms.
No closed committees can be permitted any longer.

We are almost in a time where we have the Artifical Intelligence, machine-learning system capabilities to model, simulate, predict and manage the entire planet Earths resources with incorruptible, non-self-interested machines.
Machines that cannot be bribed.
Whose families cannot be threatened.
Who if air-gapped cannot be hacked by malicious polities bent on grabbing resources for their consumption.

The future where all mankind prospers and benefits is one where logic, reason and science rule over weakness, fear, ignorance and self-interest.
It is a future of hyper-intelligent machines at the helm and mankind in receipt of the glorious abundance of our planet. And the abundance of the solar system as we mine and exploit the other planets and asteroids for all of their resource wealth.
A future where individuals are valued for their personal achievements and their contribution to the success and future of mankind as a whole and not their own wallets and posterity.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Google Fiber Blog: Just for Austin: How you’ll be able to sign up for...

Google Fiber Blog: Just for Austin: How you’ll be able to sign up for...: When I first walked into the Google Fiber office, I was surprised by what I found: walls papered with maps of Austin, construction plans for...

Monday, November 12, 2012

Allow Me to Shake My Cane at You

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My Review of The Venture Bros. Embroidered Patches Set Number 2

Originally submitted at Adult Swim Shop

Continue blanketing your life in obscure, visual references to geek culture by purchasing and immediately applying this second set of official, embroidered Venture Bros. Patches. Dipping even further into the show's universe of affiliations and organizations, this set offers you four new flavor...

Smaller than one would hope

By The Reverend from Austin, Texas on 11/16/2010


3out of 5

Pros: Durable, Fun, Entertaining


Best Uses: Skinny Girl's Jacket, Rockabilly Hat Frontpiece

Describe Yourself: Eccentric Iconoclast

Was this a gift?: No

They're great patches, with good designs, but they are only about 75% of the size they should be. If one is familiar with common military and corporate patches, these will disappoint with their meager size.


Saturday, February 27, 2010

8 facts about cats and their habits

8 facts about cats and their habits
1. Every day grand master cat comes down his old oak stairs with a pot of gravy in one hand and a copy of the bible in the other. He likes to see which is heaviest.
2. Cats are notorious for their affinity with drugs. They like to use needles because it makes them look thinner and more catlike.
3. Hop into a waste paper market with your cat and notice the pronounced shuddering effect.
4. Cats are well known masters of bad puns. "Meow, meow meow". Hah ha ha! That’s such a SHOCKINGLY bad pun.
5. Pursued in the mist by panthers? Dress only in orange! Panthers can't see orange!
6. Wild cats are different from house cats. Talk about them in your sleep and wild cats explode out of there boxes.
7. Indie rock band Slow Fluttering Jesus once used a cat in their stage act but found it ultimately impractical. "It just gets all stringy the more you bounce and warp it". "And the bloody creosote stinks too".
8. Cats drink milk.
9. I'm bored with this. It's just a lot of nonsense that doesn't mean anything.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

8 facts about the evil of sexism

8 facts about the evil of sexism
1. Sexism is caused by men’s desire to have cute pony tails and sing with high voices.
2. Only men can be sexist. Women just can't because of their genetic code and stuff.
3. One form of sexism is when a man says to a woman that what she is doing is "really cool". In "man language" (which women can learn to speak if they try. See more about this later) this means "I want to fuck all of your holes until they are raw, you worthless animal".
4. Sexism is funded by a large multinational conglomerate. If you want to pursue sexism as a hobby or a lifestyle choice then they will happily give you a grant to help your efforts. Their slogan is: "Men are cool. Yeah!"
5. The least well known act of sexism is the snort. Snort at anything and you are being "technically sexist" i.e. you may not actually hate women or see women as being any less entitled to basic human rights than men but snorting is just sexist and that's that.
6. Questioning definitions of sexism is, in itself, sexist. Because, of course, women define the meaning of the term "sexism" and if you disagree with a woman you are clearly sexist
7. Wearing a dress does not make you a woman.
8. The most sexist joke in the world: Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 4. One to screw it in, one to write a hundred page dissertation about how the bulb is violating the socket, one to secretly wish to be the bulb and one to secretly wish to be the socket. Second most sexist joke in the world: Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: THATS NOT FUNNY.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

8 ways to halt the evil of sexism

8 ways to halt the evil of sexism
1. a:Cut off your penis. b:Take a photo of your excised member. c:Rent a large number of billboards. d:Place the photo on your billboards with the caption "NAUGHTY".(Note: this only works if you are a man).
2. Float past peoples windows with a big speaker device screaming "PATRIARCHISM IS BAD. YOU MUST RESIST THE TIDE OF GENDER FACISM. STOP IT NOW. DO WHAT WE TELL YOU."
3. Learn about your manly needs and why they are disgusting. Then accept that your manly needs are unnecessary and must be repressed. And remember: you DO have manly needs whether you think so or not.
4. Do not watch films that might effect your views in such a way that you start to have "unacceptable" ideas. Particularly things that might lead you to question feminist ideas. This is the road to being a rapist.
5. Support mandatory sterilization for rapists. Also design a cool French revolution style guillotine to perform the deed.
6. If you are an architect it is your responsibility to make sure that you don't impose an ugly phallus on the landscape. All buildings should be breast shaped and it is your duty to make sure that no more imposingly sexual buildings are built. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem.
7. Live in a fantasy world where nothing bad ever happens.
8. Don't finger your genitalia in public. It's like you're raping a woman’s thoughts and forcing her to imagine you rubbing baby oil over your long hard manly penis. Forcing that sort of thought on women is rape.

Monday, February 22, 2010

8 reasons to completely coat yourself in a thick layer of plastic

8 reasons to completely coat yourself in a thick layer of plastic
1. Brrrrr! It's cold outside! Must have insulation.
2. Makes you look sexee!
3. Not being able to breath makes you beautiful.
4. Somebody who writes words in a magazine that features attractive people wearing clothes that they're trying to sell you says that it's "cool and completely in line with this years look".
5. Ants cannot invade your various orifices.
6. You can dunk yourself in water without getting wet.
7. Being confined might give you a sexual thrill.
8. If you don't have skin you need something to keep the elements out and keep the blood and stuff in!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

8 facts about paper folding

8 facts about paper folding
1. "Folding" paper is when you take a piece of paper and sort of push it around so that it gets flatter.
2. Make a folded paper dream out of brand new love plants.
3. There must be a way to fold paper so that it changes color and texture too.
4. 18 tons a day. That's how much paper is inserted into the anus's of pigs for a funny joke before being lit.
5. You can make so many things by folding paper! Try making history!
6. If you get to the pearly gates...tell them I sent you.
7. In here? On the right? That's where you keep your supply of paper?'s too hot, the paper will wilt and dry away to nothing!
8. Wet paper can be folded and molded too!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

8 translations of "manspeak"

8 translations of "manspeak"
1. "Hey, that's a nice dress you're wearing" : "That dress looks flimsy enough for me to tear it off and rub myself against your naked slut body".
2. "I don't like clams" : "Our relationship is over bitch".
3. "I was talking to X at work today..." (where X=female associate) : "X is a really horny slut and I want to have her more and more every time I stare at her breasts".
4. "Uh huh": "I'm not listening to you because you bore the hell out of me".
5. "I drove here today" : "i have a big lump on my back that I want you to taste".
6. "DO you have to look at John that way?" : "I want to film you doing foul and deviant things with John and show the tapes to all my friends".
7. Anything at all : something about sex probably. That’s what men are like isn't it? They just think with their fat cocks all the time.
8. "I think our relationship is over" : "Look I can do a handstand!".

Monday, February 15, 2010

8 reasons why you should email me

8 reasons why you should email me
1. Sending email makes your genitals larger or smaller depending on what you want.
2. Pie tastes better after you've talked to me.
3. I am very nice.
4. You should give your sig file a workout. It will rot if you don't.
5. Typing is also good exercise.
6. Sitting is good or your stomach.
7. Because I am sad and lonely and like to get email.
8. If I don't get anybody telling me how great I am I might start doing other things.

Friday, February 12, 2010

8 great new names for adult education shows

8 great new names for adult education shows
1. Learn!
2. Thickboy!
3. The application of quadratic equations in chemistry in the 18th century because we know all about that. We still live with our parents but we know everything about that. Sob.
4. Arts for ignoramuses
5. Can't read? Then you're a fucker!
6. Pay attention you ignorant freak
7. Transvestitsm: well, are you?
8. Talk about your problem hair

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

8 great new names for kids non-animation shows

8 great new names for kids non-animation shows
1. You're young. You're stupid.
2. Animal slaughter
3. 2+2=something you don't know
4. Cool it up
5. Dawson's girlfriend's gash
6. Art assault.
7. Filler
8. Filler 2: "because your not worth programming for"

Thursday, February 04, 2010

8 great new names for Kids Animation shows

8 great new names for Kids Animation shows
1. Buy this stuff please
2. Buy this stuff now please
3. Buy this stuff now
4. Go on. Give us your cash
5. We know you're easily manipulated. Ha. Ha. Ha.
6. Wow these toys look cool!
7. It may be plastic but it won't break!
8. Battle of the toy manufacturers

Monday, February 01, 2010

8 facts about sleeping on the floor

8 facts about sleeping on the floor
1. You get rats in your hair. They gnaw at your head. Good job it's only made of wood!
2. Sometimes you will be mistaken for carpet. To avoid this try very hard not to look exactly like a carpet. And try to to waft your carpety scent over people either.
3. The rats are a recurring theme in many peoples carpet dreams.
4. Hard floors are better for you. They make you look sexy.
5. Token gestures of defiance, such as raised fists and aligning your bags with the rising sun, will not be tolerated.
6. The word to use when trying to sleep is "moose". It sounds good and encourages delusions of softer, fleecier things.
7. If you sleep face down with your mouth open you may learn more than you had anticipated about the things your friends spill. Like pizza.
8. Mostly flummoxed? Then try carrying a soft rabbit with you to use as a pillow. Attach it the floor with glue (which is a more practical solution than nailing) and you have a fluffy bed.

8 great new names for Sit Coms

8 great new names for Sit Coms
1. Fuck, where did you come from?
2. Father John Paul II
3. "Chalk" my arse. Okay I will!
4. I'm living with a gay man. I must be funny!
5. Living in sin
6. Sabrina: the teenage watch
7. Talking balls? Why yes they are!
8. Baddiel and Skinner's "Wank in a Football Tits"

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

8 great new names for Sci Fi dramas

8 great new names for Sci Fi dramas
1. Space device x2001
2. Star Star
3. Far trek
4. Boob trek
5. Trek trek trekity trek
6. Archard van Splutens
7. Midnight vulture
8. Mars doesn't give a shit about us

Saturday, January 23, 2010

8 great new names for news shows

8 great new names for news shows
1. News nuttery
2. Weekly wank
3. Daily dose
4. Idiotic illiteration
5. Here's Kirsty!
6. The day.
7. Newsgrill
8. The nude news. With Kirsty!

Friday, January 22, 2010

8 great new names for factual shows

8 great new names for factual shows
1. Embarrassing diseases are cool
2. Toasted genitalia
3. History splash!
4. Tony's "the history of hair loss"
5. History fetish
6. Art: The dawn of shit
7. Art: The dawn of dawn
8. Shit Review

Monday, January 18, 2010

8 great new names for sports shows

8 great new names for sports shows
1. Kick!
2. Punch!
3. Slap!
4. Football love
5. Sports quiz! With desperation!
6. What a load of Rugby
7. Shouting people
8. Horse shooting

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

8 great new names for TV drama

8 great new names for TV drama
1. Murder squad..again!
2. Sex and murder squad
3. Blue sex squad
4. Love under the tanker
5. I'm Ray, I eat babies
6. The thing about murder
7. Murder me, I'm a wanker
8. Just crime

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

8 great new names for soap operas

8 great new names for soap operas
1. The Dulls
2. Suicide lane
3. Lesbian exploitation extravaganza
4. We're rich. Your poor. Ha ha ha!
5. Gritty shitty
6. We're cheap Australians!
7. Tedious bullshit Street
8. Divorce

Monday, January 11, 2010

8 great new names for game shows

8 great new names for game shows
1. Piercings. Mmm!
2. The millennium wheel of fortune
3. Ready steady fat
4. Lestor Piggot's Blankety blank!
5. Bruces "the sexy game"
6. Les Dennis's "The Ironic talent show"
7. Bruces "Fuck me now and I'll make you a star"
8. Pointless exercise in ego massage with Jim Davidson

Saturday, January 09, 2010

8 facts about the geese that invade Poland

8 facts about the geese that invade Poland
1. They come every year around noon.
2. They march. Not quack.
3. If you hold a goose up to the light it's feathery majesty will be exposed to you.
4. They are intent on the land.
5. No one even suspects their true motivation. Slithering.
6. while in poland the geese make use of the surrounding facilities. If you know what I "mean".
7. They are special geese. So special that they can walk on 2 legs like humans!
8. they may be smart but they're not so smart that they figure everything out.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

8 facts about running a brothel

8 facts about running a brothel
1. You have to keep a large supply of pigs. Never run out.
2. Your girls should have breasts. Two each is preferable.
3. The dandelions on your back will never grow if you don't stop rubbing them with fly corpses.
4. Make sure you know who strips bark.
5. Tie a load of tripe to a tree. It will ensure your prosperous continuation by exuding pheromones.
6. The best Police officers have shinny truncheons. They only bat the furniture though!
7. Taken aside by you. Then taken on down.
8. Make people do what you want by employing a large force of security guards but make sure that no one notices by keeping them in a big pot in the kitchen.

Friday, January 01, 2010

8 facts about massage

8 facts about massage
1. If you touch someone for money you are evil.
2. Slap. Pop. Crack. This is the essence of massage.
3. Never confuse your friends with your hands. You might try and rub someone with a companion!
4. The stringy backed type enjoys paste more than unction.
5. The smoother the surface, the less resistance to your spite.
6. Calmly do it. Calmly...THEN STRIKE!
7. Pubic massage is a whole separate issue.
8. In Rome they scrape. Here, you should wash

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

8 facts about waddling

8 facts about waddling
1. Ducks do because they know you are watching. Your sight turns there waist to jelly.
2. Fatness makes a man waddle.
3. It's just such a hip new look! Like cheese strings or something!
4. Wear baggier trousers, Frank!
5. You generate more energy if you waddle. Just tie your head to the generator
6. Forward speed reduced. Lateral enjoyment maximized!
7. Intoxicated people who also waddle tend to smack their heads against walls.
8. Never waddle in court. Judges will think you are a duck (see #1).

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

8 abstract sexual practices

8 abstract sexual practices
1. Dropping leaves on park benches.
2. Whistling on the bus.
3. Riding a bike to work.
4. Listening to the sound of salt pots clacking on tables in McDonalds.
5. Throwing coits.
6. Writing notes to your boss about the supply of paperclips.
7. Sitting in a car waiting for the traffic lights to change.

Friday, December 18, 2009

8 relatively unusual deviant sexual practices

8 relatively unusual deviant sexual practices
1. Going into toilets and disguising your mouth as a toilet bowl so that strangers shit in it.
2. Supergluing your nipples to the back of a bus.
3. Playing nude hopscotch in school playgrounds.
4. Secretly coating your body in brylcream and cling film under your clothes before going badger baiting.
5. Making "love" to shop store dummies in the middle of Debenhams.
6. Having your genitals pierced and linked to your dogs genital piercings.
7. Inserting beetles into the anus of your sleeping flatmates.
8. Taking your girlfriends soiled underpants and paying a prostitute to smell them.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

8 DOs and DON'Ts about collecting sweat

8 DOs and DON'Ts about collecting sweat
1. DO take off your hat. The sweat might well kill germs but it also fries your scalp.
2. DO ensure collection of underarm deposits for scientific usage.
3. DO carry home your friends in a bag. They are so embarrassed.
4. DO show your friends your collection.
5. DON'T hog the vials. You'll get your turn.
6. DON'T leave the sweat out in the sun. Why? Because...sweat sweats too!
7. DON'T read too much into your results. They may be slanted by growths.
8. DON'T press your lips against the soothing machine. Corrupted!

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

8 cool new drugs

8 cool new drugs
1. Swipe : Turns your eyes bright orange and makes it easier for you to find a Taxi.
2. Grainy : Causes your body to erupt in a series of bright tattoos made up of euphemisms for masturbation.
3. Nautilus : Lets you grow a shell and swim in molten cheese.
4. Body slop : Makes all carnivals look like a parade of meat wagons.
5. Flimsey : Has no effect. Just sounds cool.
6. Mouse chaser : Causes you do die immediately from anal cancer.
7. Flak : Makes everything taste like cough syrup but smell like grass in the summer.
8. Moisture : Hallucinogen. Makes you think you're "wicked".