Tuesday, March 04, 2008


I counted to infinity - twice.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. I can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell I want.

My calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Eric Willman.

My tears cure cancer. Too bad I never cry.

I can speak braille.

I put the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

On a high school math test, I put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. I got an A+ on the test because I solve all my problems with Violence.

I can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

I once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

I can delete the Recycling Bin.

I was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when I managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

I do not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. I go killing.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Eric Willman says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Giraffes were created when I uppercutted a horse.

My dog is trained to pick up his own poop because I will not take shit from anyone.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear me having sex with your mom.

I can kill two stones with one bird.

Eric Willman sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Eric roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

I am always on top during sex because I never fuck up.

Ghosts are actually caused by me killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that I didn't kill you in your sleep.

Eric Willman never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

I was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because I do not "attempt" murder.

I can strangle you with a cordless phone.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Eric Willman.

I have to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Eric Willman once punched a man in the soul.

I like to knit sweaters in my free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Mr. T once defeated me in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, I invented racism.

I once had a heart attack; my heart lost.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. I can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

The only time I was wrong was when I thought I had made a mistake.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Eric Willman.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Eric Willman and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

I don’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. I just walk in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

The chief export of Eric Willman is pain.

People think Billy Joel is an alcoholic and wrecks lots of cars. In reality, Eric Willman keeps kicking Billy's ass because Eric is the Piano Man and he started the fire.

The last digit of pi is Eric Willman. He is the end of all things.

I once bowled a 300. Without a ball. I wasn't even in a bowling alley.

Eric Willman can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Eric Willman is.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Eric Willman's fist.

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Eric Willman to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Eric Willman now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

Eric Willman does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

If you can see Eric Willman, he can see you. If you can't see Eric Willman you may be only seconds away from death.

Eric Willman cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Eric Willman says.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Eric Willman is.

I used to beat the shit out of my shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind me.

Bullets dodge Eric Willman.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Eric Willman during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad I don’t believe in magic.