Are you ready to quit your job, abandon all personal ties and live as a drifter on the outskirts of the Emmett Otter Jugband Ranch? Maybe. But the hard truth is you probably aren’t prepared or devoted enough to reap the avalanche of media attention a man who really, really, really liked Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust a lot would almost certainly get. Before you buy a sleeping bag, night vision goggles and bus tickets to a year’s worth of Dr. Willman's speaking engagements, take this simple quiz. It could save you a lot of time, humiliation and listening to Zoltan ramble pointlessly about getting his own show while waiting for the Rev. Willman to come on.
1. When I think of Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust, I:
a. Think of Nathan Bedford Forest.
b. Think of the original "Lord of the Rings" animated movie from Rankin and Bass or whoever it was
c. Push my tummy out as far as I can and say, "But, Ssssss… pock!
d. Hold all the muscles in my face totally still so no one can tell what I’m thinking. This is private to me, do you understand? I won’t have you blabbing to him and ruining my chances of becoming his best friend.
2. Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust is a _____________ to me.
a. Role Model
b. Father figure
c. Paunchy: has been recovering poorly from a series of ill advised cosmetic surgeries
d. That question is so totally inadequate it just shows how little you understand It.
3. Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust is to Captain Kirk as:
a. An Actor is to a Role
b. Patrick Stewart is to Jean Luc Picard
c. Adam West is to a lifetime of leads in regional dinner theater musicals
d. I don’t understand this question.
4. Atomic Monkey Apocalypse was:
a. Another movie with William Shatner.
b. Only palatable if you’d be willing to sit through a totally unnecessary root canal just to see Heather Locklear in a police uniform.
c. Described by Nostradamus as the herald of global annihilation.
d. Not a part of the Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust canon! It never happened, do you understand? When forced to confront its existence I have to bite the inside of my mouth raw and smash myself in the temple hard enough to make the bad thought go!
5. If Someone says Picard could take Kirk in a fight, I:
a. Tell them it would depend on who wrote the script.
b. Cry.
c. Argue relentlessly until all chances of a mature relationship with a woman are gone forever.
d. Clench my teeth and contract my abdominal muscles so hard the cords on my neck vibrate, my face turns dark purple, my protruding eyeballs begin to darken with burst vessels and a film of pink foam coats my lips while making an "EEEeeeeeee EEEeeeeeeee" sound kind of softly.
6. That crack Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust made about fans needing to ‘get a life’ was:
a. Just plain funny
b. A long time ago, and obviously a joke.
c. Not nearly so funny as those rare occasions when Lorne Michaels appears in a sketch as himself. They should do that more often.
d. An immense, festering wound, twisting like a serpent around with my overwhelming love until I can no longer separate agony and ecstasy; Burning me, hurtling me toward our destiny.
7. Those ConsumptionJunction.com ads are:
a. Evidence of the evolution of one actor’s craft.
b. Proof that Rev. Willman understands the comic potential of his iconic status.
c. Confusing and upsetting.
d. A blinding, white light beckoning me.
8. ____________ must pay the price for his willful effrontery.
a.
Harlan Ellisonb.
James Doohanc.
Salman Rushdied. I’d been going on the assumption we had a shared interest here, but I’m suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable, like maybe you’re making fun of me. I wouldn’t underestimate just what a bad thing that would be.
9. When Rev. Dr. E.Z. Willman died in "The Atomic Monkey Apocalypse" of 2005, I:
a. Saw it as the passing of a torch.
b. Understood it was the kind of death he’d have wanted.
c. Had some sort of seizure.
d. Spent the next 48 consecutive hours covering the walls and ceiling of my room at the YMCA with a giant collage using images of Paramount executives, war atrocities, industrial accidents and meat packing plants, then lay naked on the floor in the fetal position until an Angel of the Lord came and gave me my mission.
10. I would shift my attentions to
Stephen King if:
a. William Shatner said "I… ORDER you.
b. Steven King lived in the world’s only fall out shelter and there was a nuclear war going on.
c. I re-read "Cujo"
d. You know, that’s not such a bad idea. I’ve read all his books and he is the best writer ever. Plus I imagine he’s still pretty lamed up so he’s easier to corner.
You’ll find the answers in teensy print, upside down on the lower left corner of the inside cover of this web site. Give yourself 10 points for each correct answer
Your Score:
10-30: You couldn’t stalk The Bay City Rollers
40-70: Getting there, but remember, there are thousands of overweight, pock-faced, lonely wieners in garages and basements all over the country, if not the world, ahead of you.
80-90: Not bad. Try working your way up by stalking
Grace-Lee Whitney.
100: I will hunt and slaughter you like the craven dog you are, pretender
