Thursday, May 11, 2006

Two Women Talking In The Afterworld:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking fromthe cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What aboutyou?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspectedthat my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman theresomewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement Then I went through every closet and checkedunder all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I becameso exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.......we'd both still be alive.

A little Something from Chris

for home viewing. damn.
distribute widely for greatest effect.

Austin Area Special Market Barbie Dolls

Mattel recently announced the release of the following Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Austin market:

West Lake Hills Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at The Arboretum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house.
Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Round Rock Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

Jonestown Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash;preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Lake Travis Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Buda Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Lakeway Barbie
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit! and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Percocet prescription available.

Del Valle Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased "Bubba" Ken out of Taylor Barbie's house. Her ensemble includeslow-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

Dripping Springs Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Dripping Springs Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

East Austin Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Cedar Park Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting.

Montopolis Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a ABIA baggage handler's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for Montopolis Barbie or Ken.

South Congress Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

Sun City Barbie/Ken
These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Neither of these can drive, but they both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good ol' days". Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices.

Steven Colbert flops in Washington to great comic effect

This is great stuff! Check out the laffs lost on the conservative cock-monkeys gathered in bewilderment as to who this speaker even is:

The Standardized "Should I Write For Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust" Quiz

Are you ready to quit your job, abandon all personal ties and live as a drifter on the outskirts of the Emmett Otter Jugband Ranch? Maybe. But the hard truth is you probably aren’t prepared or devoted enough to reap the avalanche of media attention a man who really, really, really liked Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust a lot would almost certainly get. Before you buy a sleeping bag, night vision goggles and bus tickets to a year’s worth of Dr. Willman's speaking engagements, take this simple quiz. It could save you a lot of time, humiliation and listening to Zoltan ramble pointlessly about getting his own show while waiting for the Rev. Willman to come on.

1. When I think of Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust, I:

a. Think of Nathan Bedford Forest.
b. Think of the original "Lord of the Rings" animated movie from Rankin and Bass or whoever it was
c. Push my tummy out as far as I can and say, "But, Ssssss… pock!
d. Hold all the muscles in my face totally still so no one can tell what I’m thinking. This is private to me, do you understand? I won’t have you blabbing to him and ruining my chances of becoming his best friend.

2. Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust is a _____________ to me.
a. Role Model
b. Father figure
c. Paunchy: has been recovering poorly from a series of ill advised cosmetic surgeries
d. That question is so totally inadequate it just shows how little you understand It.

3. Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust is to Captain Kirk as:
a. An Actor is to a Role
b. Patrick Stewart is to Jean Luc Picard
c. Adam West is to a lifetime of leads in regional dinner theater musicals
d. I don’t understand this question.

4. Atomic Monkey Apocalypse was:
a. Another movie with William Shatner.
b. Only palatable if you’d be willing to sit through a totally unnecessary root canal just to see Heather Locklear in a police uniform.
c. Described by Nostradamus as the herald of global annihilation.
d. Not a part of the Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust canon! It never happened, do you understand? When forced to confront its existence I have to bite the inside of my mouth raw and smash myself in the temple hard enough to make the bad thought go!

5. If Someone says Picard could take Kirk in a fight, I:
a. Tell them it would depend on who wrote the script.
b. Cry.
c. Argue relentlessly until all chances of a mature relationship with a woman are gone forever.
d. Clench my teeth and contract my abdominal muscles so hard the cords on my neck vibrate, my face turns dark purple, my protruding eyeballs begin to darken with burst vessels and a film of pink foam coats my lips while making an "EEEeeeeeee EEEeeeeeeee" sound kind of softly.

6. That crack Emmett Otter's Jugband Holocaust made about fans needing to ‘get a life’ was:
a. Just plain funny
b. A long time ago, and obviously a joke.
c. Not nearly so funny as those rare occasions when Lorne Michaels appears in a sketch as himself. They should do that more often.
d. An immense, festering wound, twisting like a serpent around with my overwhelming love until I can no longer separate agony and ecstasy; Burning me, hurtling me toward our destiny.

7. Those ads are:
a. Evidence of the evolution of one actor’s craft.
b. Proof that Rev. Willman understands the comic potential of his iconic status.
c. Confusing and upsetting.
d. A blinding, white light beckoning me.

8. ____________ must pay the price for his willful effrontery.
a. Harlan Ellison
b. James Doohan
c. Salman Rushdie
d. I’d been going on the assumption we had a shared interest here, but I’m suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable, like maybe you’re making fun of me. I wouldn’t underestimate just what a bad thing that would be.

9. When Rev. Dr. E.Z. Willman died in "The Atomic Monkey Apocalypse" of 2005, I:
a. Saw it as the passing of a torch.
b. Understood it was the kind of death he’d have wanted.
c. Had some sort of seizure.
d. Spent the next 48 consecutive hours covering the walls and ceiling of my room at the YMCA with a giant collage using images of Paramount executives, war atrocities, industrial accidents and meat packing plants, then lay naked on the floor in the fetal position until an Angel of the Lord came and gave me my mission.

10. I would shift my attentions to Stephen King if:
a. William Shatner said "I… ORDER you.
b. Steven King lived in the world’s only fall out shelter and there was a nuclear war going on.
c. I re-read "Cujo"
d. You know, that’s not such a bad idea. I’ve read all his books and he is the best writer ever. Plus I imagine he’s still pretty lamed up so he’s easier to corner.

You’ll find the answers in teensy print, upside down on the lower left corner of the inside cover of this web site. Give yourself 10 points for each correct answer

Your Score:
10-30: You couldn’t stalk The Bay City Rollers

40-70: Getting there, but remember, there are thousands of overweight, pock-faced, lonely wieners in garages and basements all over the country, if not the world, ahead of you.

80-90: Not bad. Try working your way up by stalking Grace-Lee Whitney.
100: I will hunt and slaughter you like the craven dog you are, pretender