Saturday, February 27, 2010

8 facts about cats and their habits

8 facts about cats and their habits
1. Every day grand master cat comes down his old oak stairs with a pot of gravy in one hand and a copy of the bible in the other. He likes to see which is heaviest.
2. Cats are notorious for their affinity with drugs. They like to use needles because it makes them look thinner and more catlike.
3. Hop into a waste paper market with your cat and notice the pronounced shuddering effect.
4. Cats are well known masters of bad puns. "Meow, meow meow". Hah ha ha! That’s such a SHOCKINGLY bad pun.
5. Pursued in the mist by panthers? Dress only in orange! Panthers can't see orange!
6. Wild cats are different from house cats. Talk about them in your sleep and wild cats explode out of there boxes.
7. Indie rock band Slow Fluttering Jesus once used a cat in their stage act but found it ultimately impractical. "It just gets all stringy the more you bounce and warp it". "And the bloody creosote stinks too".
8. Cats drink milk.
9. I'm bored with this. It's just a lot of nonsense that doesn't mean anything.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

8 facts about the evil of sexism

8 facts about the evil of sexism
1. Sexism is caused by men’s desire to have cute pony tails and sing with high voices.
2. Only men can be sexist. Women just can't because of their genetic code and stuff.
3. One form of sexism is when a man says to a woman that what she is doing is "really cool". In "man language" (which women can learn to speak if they try. See more about this later) this means "I want to fuck all of your holes until they are raw, you worthless animal".
4. Sexism is funded by a large multinational conglomerate. If you want to pursue sexism as a hobby or a lifestyle choice then they will happily give you a grant to help your efforts. Their slogan is: "Men are cool. Yeah!"
5. The least well known act of sexism is the snort. Snort at anything and you are being "technically sexist" i.e. you may not actually hate women or see women as being any less entitled to basic human rights than men but snorting is just sexist and that's that.
6. Questioning definitions of sexism is, in itself, sexist. Because, of course, women define the meaning of the term "sexism" and if you disagree with a woman you are clearly sexist
7. Wearing a dress does not make you a woman.
8. The most sexist joke in the world: Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 4. One to screw it in, one to write a hundred page dissertation about how the bulb is violating the socket, one to secretly wish to be the bulb and one to secretly wish to be the socket. Second most sexist joke in the world: Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: THATS NOT FUNNY.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

8 ways to halt the evil of sexism

8 ways to halt the evil of sexism
1. a:Cut off your penis. b:Take a photo of your excised member. c:Rent a large number of billboards. d:Place the photo on your billboards with the caption "NAUGHTY".(Note: this only works if you are a man).
2. Float past peoples windows with a big speaker device screaming "PATRIARCHISM IS BAD. YOU MUST RESIST THE TIDE OF GENDER FACISM. STOP IT NOW. DO WHAT WE TELL YOU."
3. Learn about your manly needs and why they are disgusting. Then accept that your manly needs are unnecessary and must be repressed. And remember: you DO have manly needs whether you think so or not.
4. Do not watch films that might effect your views in such a way that you start to have "unacceptable" ideas. Particularly things that might lead you to question feminist ideas. This is the road to being a rapist.
5. Support mandatory sterilization for rapists. Also design a cool French revolution style guillotine to perform the deed.
6. If you are an architect it is your responsibility to make sure that you don't impose an ugly phallus on the landscape. All buildings should be breast shaped and it is your duty to make sure that no more imposingly sexual buildings are built. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem.
7. Live in a fantasy world where nothing bad ever happens.
8. Don't finger your genitalia in public. It's like you're raping a woman’s thoughts and forcing her to imagine you rubbing baby oil over your long hard manly penis. Forcing that sort of thought on women is rape.

Monday, February 22, 2010

8 reasons to completely coat yourself in a thick layer of plastic

8 reasons to completely coat yourself in a thick layer of plastic
1. Brrrrr! It's cold outside! Must have insulation.
2. Makes you look sexee!
3. Not being able to breath makes you beautiful.
4. Somebody who writes words in a magazine that features attractive people wearing clothes that they're trying to sell you says that it's "cool and completely in line with this years look".
5. Ants cannot invade your various orifices.
6. You can dunk yourself in water without getting wet.
7. Being confined might give you a sexual thrill.
8. If you don't have skin you need something to keep the elements out and keep the blood and stuff in!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

8 facts about paper folding

8 facts about paper folding
1. "Folding" paper is when you take a piece of paper and sort of push it around so that it gets flatter.
2. Make a folded paper dream out of brand new love plants.
3. There must be a way to fold paper so that it changes color and texture too.
4. 18 tons a day. That's how much paper is inserted into the anus's of pigs for a funny joke before being lit.
5. You can make so many things by folding paper! Try making history!
6. If you get to the pearly gates...tell them I sent you.
7. In here? On the right? That's where you keep your supply of paper?'s too hot, the paper will wilt and dry away to nothing!
8. Wet paper can be folded and molded too!