Friday, July 21, 2006

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop,even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk,a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of th e milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Recent Developments with Urban Delivery Vehicles

Dudes! Check this out:

On June 21, 2006, EPA unveiled the world's first hydraulic hybrid delivery truck in Washington D.C. The EPA hybrid features a hydraulic drivetrain that replaces a conventional drivetrain and eliminates the need for a conventional transmission. By achieving 70 percent better fuel efficiency in urban driving and 40 percent lower CO2 greenhouse gas emissions, this vehicle demonstrates the highest-efficiency powertrain known. A fleet owner operating one of these high efficiency hydraulic vehicles would save up to 1,000 gallons of fuel each year. EPA estimates that over the lifespan of the vehicle the net savings based on lowered fuel consumption and lowered brake maintenance cost to be over $50,000.

Click Here

Monday, July 17, 2006


Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him,a good guy when Cheney did business with him,and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden"diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, buttrade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and ourhighest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions againstIraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, butproviding health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war inwhich thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you'rea Conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need ourprayers for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Here’s some fun news for us non-voting apathetic citizens, we're likely tobe stuck with more Republicans in '06 and '08.


A dark favor request

Allright everybody, I am going to ask you all for a favor. On the upside it doesn't cost ANY money at all, nor any blood or sweat, so to speak. You will not have to leave the air-conditioning or indeed travel at all from the very chair you now sit in. But it will cost time. 15 to 30 minutes depending on how fast you read. The favor I ask is that you all read this webpage. The whole thing, not just the first 1-3 paragraphs. Now you're probably asking why I would beg this favor from you and fearing that it will be boring or whatever. It might. I won't lie to you. But what it will also be is a learning experience. I am firmly convinced that unless certain technologies come to pass, we will, in our own lifetimes, live in a world where riots and pandemic human suffering are daily news. I want the fact that I made you all read this today to be something that in the future you can allow you all to say, "Wow, Eric totally warned us that this was coming like 20 years ago!" That's all I ask. I want to be a confirmed and acknowledged doomsayer. That's it. I don't care if you don't even give a crap about what you are hopefully about to read. My point isn't to change anything or cause anything to happen other than the aforementioned nod to my knowing it was coing all along. I'm gleefully grim like that. It warms the cockles of my heart to think that I will have told you so. So please click on the link below and read the ENTIRE page.

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Dr. McNinja is IN!

Work safe. Funny stuff.

The Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years inthe parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregationwas chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at thedinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few wordswhile they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession Iheard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The veryfirst person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen atelevision set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie hisway out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs, andgave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fineparish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full ofapologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."


In Memoriam of Commander USA

I would just like to take a moment of your time today to remember The Commander. Commander USA and his ‘groovy movies’ enriched all our lives in the days of limited-channel cable in the late 80’s. I remember his mighty Oath for his stalwart fans:
“ I pledge to remain and all around good guy forever. Sure.”
Please take a moment form your day to reflect on the prolific retired superhero from new jersey who left us with over 200 episodes of b-grade movie goodness to remember him by. What a mensch. And don’t forget LEFTY, his ubiquitous sidekick!

Click here for some tributary websites:'s_Groovie_Movies

Groovy breakin' and rappin' by 80s horror host Commander

80s horror host Commander USA Vampire Bat opening.

Please forward this on to other so that his memory may be kept alive.

The most racist cartoon EVER!!!

The LazyTown cartoon has a name…

And apparently it’s on YouTube too!

AWESOME subgenius rant generator!

This is totally helpfull if your putting on an impromtu or unprepared for Devival. Dig it's glory!


But are they bred for their skill in magic? Napoleon Dynamite, your goobliness gives me pleasure.

CLICK HERE for proof of the existence of ligers


Once again, that old chestnut, My Cat Hates You .com


Four Science Fellows

Also, THIS one...

Pirate Bathroom Comics

BOB t-shirts for sale


Pee and Poo are not strangers to us here, we unearthed them some time ago. Well the Pee and Poo wave has hit the world of merchandise in the form of their official online store.

Jesus is With You Always part 2

Oh H*LL YES!!! This is AWESOME. There’s new ones now!

I THINK this link has some different pics too, but I can’t see them at work. I know there are other ones; I just don’t remember where to find them. -

Old Rubber Suit Monster show goodness

Order now! heh. I like the look of that new Ultraman movie from 2004

Skittlebrau and the Gay KKK

List of neologisms on The Simpsons

My favorite term of the day

A phrase used by Homer to describe anything positively during his brief stint as a food critic in the episode "Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?":

Lisa: Hmm. What's the English equivalent for [drools like Homer]? I'd say...transcendent.
Homer: How about groin-grabbingly transcendent?
Lisa: Uh ... I don't think so.
Homer: We make a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team.

Principia Discordia

The Text of the Principia Discordia, the book of the discordians. Enjoy! It’s good for the soul.

Prison vs. Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

@ PRISON you get three meals a day fully paid for
@ WORK you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON you get time off for good behavior
@ WORK you get more work for good behavior

@ PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK you must often carry a security card and open all the doors foryourself and God forbid you loose it.

@ PRISON you can watch TV and play games
@ WORKyou could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON you get your own toilet
@ WORK you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxesfrom your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK they are called managers

LET’S ALL GO TO PRISON! WOOOHOOOO!!...Wait! They forgot to mention your new boyfriend in the top bunk! Hey!


HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

" A good Friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a TRUE friend will be sitting next to you saying "Damn that was fun!!!" ~Eric

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at HEB.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

You know you are CORPORATE GHETTO......

if two or more of the following are true:
1.. You don't officially start working in the morning until you read your emails.
2.. You have at least one drawer/cabinet that contains more food than office supplies.
3.. Not only do you know all the security guards, janitors and cafeteria workers, one of them has asked you out on a date.
4.. Your version of a conference call is when you call your friends and plan what you are doing for the weekend.
5.. The only time your man/woman picks you up from work is on payday.
6.. Friends and family members call you at work to cuss you out because you didn't answer your phone quick enough.
7.. You paint your nails at your desk.
8.. When you are on a personal call you, laugh so loud your co-workers on the other side of the office come and ask you what's so funny.
9.. You have pictures on your wall with you and your friends at the club.
10..To beat the system, you have codes for personal calls that let's someone know to call you right back. (Let the phone ring two times and call me right back).
11.. You give your out-of-town friends your company's 1-800 number.
12.. Before calling in sick, you rehearse your sick voice and sick story several times out loud.
13.. Coworkers inquire how your father's surgery went that required you to be out for days and you don't even know who your daddy is.
14.. You use the company's postage machine to stamp your personal mail.
15.. Your kid's school supplies all have your company insignia on them, you order personal supplies for you and your kids.
16.. You call in sick on payday Friday and send your cousin to pick up your paycheck. (Now THAT'S REAL ghetto!! Get direct deposit!!)
17.. You contribute $1 to the office Christmas party, eat the most food and take a platter of lunch meat and potato salad home to your family for dinner.
18.. Before someone uses your telephone at your desk, they have to wipe the chicken grease off the handset.
19.. You call in sick on Friday because you went out on Thursday.
20.. You don't like your supervisor and a couple other coworkers and you tell them off on a regular basis and wonder why you haven't been promoted.
21.. You get your haircut/hair done on lunch and come back two hours later and then ask "Was anybody looking for me?".
22.. You cuss your creditors out for calling you at work.
23.. You come to work on Friday's dressed for the club.
24.. Your kids call your job and say to the operator, "Let me speak to my Mama"
25.. You are sitting there reading this instead of getting your work done.

Bet you don't listen

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Have you ever wondered...

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
2. Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
6. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isnt the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
12. How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
14. If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have a S in it?
19. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of assteroids?
20. When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
21. If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
22. Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
23. If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
24. If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?

The Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Questions that really need answers...

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2 Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on.. Ha Ha, I was singing it!! I didn't realize it was the same tune. Did you?
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

This one's for Eddie!

A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeded to walk into the water and bumped into the preacher.
The preacher turned around and, though almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, asked the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The Drunk answered, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabbed the drunk and dunked him in the water. Then he pulled him up and asked him, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replied, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him into the water again, for A little longer.
Then again, he pulled him out and asked, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher was at his wits end so he submerged the drunk once more, and held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his arms and legs, whereupon he pulled him up.
The preacher again asked the drunk,
"For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and finally said to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?

How to take a shower

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passionfruit.

7.Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

8. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

9. Rinse conditioner off hair.

10. Shave armpits and legs.

11. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

12.Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

13. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

14. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

16. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile
2. Walk naked to the bathroom.If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
5. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
6. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
7. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
8. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
9. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
10. Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.
11. Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
12. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
13. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
14. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
15. Throw wet towel on bed.




Why why why.........................

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?

the 710 joke

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there. He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there."

What Word Starts With "F" and Ends With "K"?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

The Gullibility Test


These guys make, custom sized, wearable Samurai Armor, out of metal and traditional materials, for about 1200 to 8000 bucks. Their site has lots of pictures of the different armors they make. They do very good work. I’ve seen one of their outfits close-up at the home of an acquaintance and these babies are totally for real. No plastic or cheap molding, it’s hand crafted workmanship. Well worth the money if you can spare it. And they look FREAKIN’ AWESOME in your living room or den.

Check it out

World's Shortest and Best Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and wentfishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank
beer whenever he wanted.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I Know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my Crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire Room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course It is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do People do this? Who and where are they? I'm gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser,I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give Me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, Then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the Longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus Come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Smart Assery that I approve of as an American

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use."But we didn't use them," the man complains."Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says."But we didn't go to any of those shows, complains the man again."Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.""That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.""But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager."Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

Why the divorce rate is over 50%

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well,son,there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons,round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"yes, when you see them they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers..........
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties,it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Fairy Tales, Irish, Welsh and More

Click here for excellent Irish fairy tales online.

Click here for Scottish folk and fairy tlaes

Click Here for Celtic fairy tales and Here for even more celtic fairy tales.

Troy Hurtubise

Troy James Hurtubise (pronounced similar to "hurt 2 bees") is an inventor and conservationist from Canada noted for his bizarre, yet functional, protective creations that he tests on himself in incredible and at times dangerous ways. You have GOT TO read about his Angel Light and God Light.

Click Here

Cheap Drinking Water from the Ocean

Carbon nanotube-based membranes will dramatically cut the cost of desalination.
A water desalination system using carbon nanotube-based membranes could significantly reduce the cost of purifying water from the ocean. The technology could potentially provide a solution to water shortages both in the United States, where populations are expected to soar in areas with few freshwater sources, and worldwide, where a lack of clean water is a major cause of disease.

Click here

Build Your Own Stonehenge

Materials needed:
Center stake for reference point.
50 feet of rope.
20 to 30 marker stones or small stakes.
A compass.

Here's a unique way to celebrate the solstice: Build your own Stonehenge. As you might know, Stonehenge is one of the oldest (4,000+ years) and best known astronomical calendar sites in the world. You can recreate it without going through the bother of lugging 25 to 50 ton slabs of rock around the neighborhood. All you'll need is a bit of ambition, and a location offering an unobstructed view of the eastern or western horizon. Locations offering a 360º horizon view are ideal (and rare).

What to do
The first thing you'll need to do is create a viewing circle. Anchor a reference stake at the center point of the circle and place your compass on top of it. Find due north and place a marker at 50 feet north of the center. Repeat the process for east, west and south. (The rope is used as a guide to insure that all markers are equidistant from the center stake.) Again, using the rope as a guide, place a small marker stone every few feet around the perimeter of your circle. The center of the circle now becomes your fixed reference point and the westward facing perimeter is where you'll be placing the sunset markers.

The calendar can be started at any time, but the solstice sunsets are the most fun. Mark the point of sunset with a pole, stake or other (not easily moved) marker. Tag the marker with the date of sunset.

Repeat the process every seven days or so. Over the weeks and months you'll note that the sun appears to "walk" faster at some times of the year than others. When you've finished (in a year's time) you'll have a working astronomical calendar and an excuse to invite other Devil worshipping freaks over to the house to check the date.

How it works
The principle behind an astronomical calendar is simple. The apparent rising and setting horizon point of the sun changes with each passing day. The different points correspond to different days of the year.

At minimum, an astronomical calendar only requires a fixed reference point for viewing and another fixed reference point marking the position of the rising and/or setting sun on the horizon.

In the Northern Hemisphere, if you were to watch a time-lapse movie of a year's worth of sunsets, you would notice that the sun appears to "walk" back and forth across the western horizon. The winter solstice marks the southern limit of the sun's journey and the summer solstice is the northern boundary. Closer examination would reveal that, with the exception of the two solstice extremes, every other point on the horizon is crossed twice during the course of the year. Once on the southern march and again on the northern return.

At the time of the winter and summer solstices, (around December 22 and June 22) the sun is directly overhead at either the Tropic of Cancer (summer) or the Tropic of Capricorn (winter). In the Northern Hemisphere these dates mark the beginnings of summer and winter and the days of the longest and shortest hours of daylight.