Friday, October 16, 2009

8 facts about vacations abroad

8 facts about vacations abroad
1. Those wacky foreign people! They'll do anything for a laugh! Like smack you in the mouth, you drunken whore.
2. Other nations use languages other than English. Cower in fear as you listen to the tongue of the devil in the mouths of these people.
3. Always take plenty of things that you can use for barter. While they may accept daughters you should make sure that she's not ugly and doesn't grunt like a pig. Try to think of something that your foreign pals might actually want!
4. Foreign food is sometimes thought of as "muck". It's actually "suck". Some idiot just translated it incorrectly. Doh!
5. Skiing is for wimps and pansies. Thus, it is great! Wimps and pansies are cool too!
6. Some holidays involve running through foreign woods with a mask over your head but no other clothes. You scream because the men are stabbing at you. They could probably catch you any time they wanted to.
7. Sun is cool. If you could just get closer to it your tan would be even better. Thus: wear no clothes and stand on top of the tallest building you can see. Wave your arms about to swim in the suns gorgeous, tanning, sexual rays. Mmmm!
8. Drugs can be found at many modern resorts. Just check your brochure for details! What? You don't...have a brochure? GET THE FUCK OFF MY BEACH TOWEL AND TAKE YOUR STUPID FRIENDS WITH YOU.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

8 DOs and DON'Ts about banging on drums

8 DOs and DON'Ts about banging on drums
1. DO get a drum that's bigger than you but smaller than your fat older brother "Ted".
2. DO listen to the sound. They make a lovely sort of ringing. A bit like bells actually.
3. DO use sticks to get a woody sound then use your fists to get a sort of fleshy sound and use a live gazelle for a scampering and falling over sound.
4. DO stay inside. It rains outside and you might drown. If you press your nose and mouth against the pavement that is!
5. DON'T oppress your neighbors by noisily defecating on their pets, children or flowers.
6. DON'T get your hand stuck in the top of the drum after experimenting with knife based drumming techniques.
7. DON'T paint your drum with psychedelic-stylee colors and pretend it's, like, totally cosmic, man. Really. It's just a happening thing! Oooh rub it over my tongue, feels like cold wet moss!
8. DON'T decide that your drums are stupid and stop playing. Keep playing and everything will work out! You will be employed and happy. Your spouse may also be happy. Your closest associates will seek you out for your sage advice. And your parents will die happily in their sleep. Ah, THE END!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

8 facts about automobiles

8 facts about automobiles
1. They are like cars, only automatic.
2. They have wheels that sit on the road. When you talk to the wheels they get excited and start to revolve.
3. You can't really steer an automobile. You just have to hope that it goes near the place that you buried the bodies.
4. The windows are made out of sugar. Go on! Lick them! Like in Willy Wonka! But watch out. Willy won't like it if you lick all the way through and ruin his laughter device.
5. To mend an automobile requires years of experience and an affinity for grease and bad smells.
6. Take your happy pills children. Uncle Santa will be here with the new automobile soon! Then we'll be able to take you to the shops and you can pick whatever cool thing you want! And we can drive to school instead of you walking in the rain! Everything will be wonderful! What’s that? Toby, take that sawdust treat out of your mouth and speak clearly. Oh. It's only a toy automobile.
7. Sit still. Don't panic. If you panic the automobile will sense your distrust and just whisk you all over the shop.
8. You can't shut those doors unless you use real force.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

8 facts about trains

8 facts about trains
1. When a train enters a big tunnel everyone gets excited. I don't know why though. They all sit around me with a thrilled look on their faces, as though something great is happening but I just don't get it.
2. Trains are long things that carry people. Sometimes you might know those people but mostly you don't.
3. The arctic circle would be a stupid place to put a train.
4. Would you melt if you were put in a furnace?
5. They make a clacking noise.
6. Like a floating palace. Oooh.
7. Trains run on "tracks". They go so fast that they make your heart beat like a drum.
8. When they stop you have to get out. This can lead to disappointment if the place where you disembark does not live up to your mental image of it.